Millionaire Offers 5 Million for Nephew to hold Panda

In Courtesy of Thairath

CHIANG MAI – A millionaire offered five million baht in exchange for allowing his nephew to hold Lin Ping just one time. It seems like the superstar panda is getting to everybody’s head. The zoo meanwhile announced that this Christmas, Lin Ping will be wearing a Santa outfit to greet his fan club.

Other than the mad millionaire, Chiang Mai zoo reported that many individuals are phoning in to pay 20000 – 30000 baht to hold Lin Ping. Even letters have been sent offering a few thousand baht to hold the panda. The level of madness seems relative to peoples disposable income.

In the same report, although unrelated, the zoo announced that the Santa outfit will be put on Lin Ping while it is asleep. The reason being that the panda will be too hyper active and resistant to the Santa suit.

Lin Ping will wake up some day soon and find that it's a Santa Claus for the Thai people.

Writer: Adrian Tse & Chet Chetchotisak

Gay Man Can’t Take a Sexy Calendar

In Courtesy of Thairath

BANGKOK – Seasoned and outspoken gay man, Nathi protested in Bangkok today against pinup girl calendars, saying they destroy the cultural legacy of Thai women.

Singha Beer announced that it is giving away free sexy girl calendars to complement the 2010 year of the Tiger, using six naked models splashed in body paint to launch the promotion.

To this Nathi said, “Even though it is your own body and you’re entitled to do anything with it, when you present your body to the public, you destroy Thai culture. No matter where you grew up, if you’re now living in Thailand, then understand that Thailand still values traditional culture. If you don’t love it then don’t destroy it.”

Thailand is also one of the most popular destinations for prostitution in the world; for god’s sake Nathi, women shoot ping pong balls from their vaginas and hang weights from their vulvas. Highly advanced pornographic moves are child play. Thailand is a hot spot for sexual holidaying. Teen rapes and gang bangs are part of a long and senseless history. Where’s the culture? Was it even here in the first place? Is it even a word in the dictionaries of young children? The case has always been that people are living under their own skins. Culture is merely theatrical, a creative byproduct of repression.

If Nathi returned home every night as a crazed flagellator and whipped ass with black leather, where’s Thai culture in that? And no, sprinkling chili on the man's asshole wouldn't cut it. It's not a box that you just tick off.

Would it even surprise you?

Writer: Adrian Tse & Chet Chetchotisak

Sitting Next To a Charred Head

In Courtesy of Thairath

UDONTHANI – A 14-year-old kid chopped his grandfather into chunks, stuffed them in sand bags and threw them into a lake. He kept the head so he could burn it, leaving an awful smell. Villagers discovered the scene and informed police.

The kid coldly admitted to murder. His excuse was that his grandfather treated him like a slave and never let him attend New Years parties or festivals.

Police officers picked up two sand bags in the lake and opened them. The first bag contained the victim’s trunk; the second bag, the limbs, all torn and rotten. Police traced down to a little hut two kilometers away from the lake to find the 14-year-old boy sitting with a cold expression – beside him lay a charred head.

The kid confessed without fear or tears. He said he had an argument with the victim about going to a party but the victim wouldn’t let him. The kid grabbed the biggest axe he could find and chopped the victim’s head, before repeating the motion twice. The kid undressed the victim and used a kitchen knife to slice up parts of the body. He burnt the head and returned home to sleep like nothing happened.

Then the police came.

Writer: Adrian Tse & Chet Chetchotisak

Get a Load of B

In Courtesy of Khaosod

NAKORN PHATHOM – One afternoon, a 50-year-old woman walked into her back garden and saw a large buffalo bear. Standing at two meters tall, it casually ate her bananas. Her dog barked at it repeatedly and the B-bear ran away into the woods near the village of Nakorn Phathom.

The village chief has since feared that the B-bear will hurt people and so set up a search team to track it down.

Over 30 villagers ventured into the woods for three days armed with wooden sticks.

After a somewhat hopeless search, they came up with the stupid idea of burning down the whole forest to get the bear out of its hiding. The fire took several hours to catch on and control and still no bear was found.

Moreover, the village chief contacted the parachute association to get five skydivers to survey the area. The exaggerated gesture reaped no results. The team only found claws marks and footprints but nothing else.

An old lady from the village claimed that several years ago she saw a similar buffalo bear eating her bananas and chickens in her backyard but no one believed her. And to this day there is no reason to believe her. She said the B-bear surely had to be the next generation B-bear from the one she saw.

Another old man from the village said that he was sure the buffalo bears live underground and have their own hiding place deep beneath the crust.

And why not throw in a theory that the B-bears secretly rule the world? And what a load of B! What a pile of codswallop! What a lark!

Can further news updates curb this skepticism? I doubt it.

Writer: Adrian Tse & Chet Chetchotisak

Wrong Man, Wrong Coffin

In Courtesy of Nation Group

ANG THONG – A man spent almost 30,000 baht on a funeral for his relative only to discover on the day that the corpse inside the coffin wasn’t his relative! Before cremating the body, the man opened the coffin to see his relative’s face for the last time and was bewildered. His relative is still alive!

Komkrit, 42-years-old, the host of the funeral said that he was informed by the deceased peoples’ identification foundation that his relative, Prachueb, 39-years-old, died of heart failure, and that he was identified as Prachueb.

The foundation sent the body to Komkrit a few days later – and along with several villagers in town, they held a funeral for Prachueb and scheduled for a cremation.

After performing several rituals, Komkrit, in tears, walked over to open the lid of the coffin and found that the face of the deceased looked nothing like Prachueb! Who the hell was it?

Komkrit was in shock and called Prachueb’s brother, to find that Prachueb is alive and well. Komkrit got hold of Prachueb’s number and talked to the man himself.
Prachueb told Komkrit that he had lost his ID card almost 10 years ago, and had never reclaimed a new one. There is no clue as to how Prachueb’s ID card ended up in the wallet of some unknown dead guy.

Komkrit, and his fellow villagers ditched the funeral having spent 32,555 baht.

The nameless dead man was registered as having no relatives at the time of death.

Writer: Adrian Tse & Chet Chetchotisak

More Chicken in a Chicken

In Courtesy of Thairath

UDONTHANI – A chicken in Udon grew ten toes while another grew nine. Both are well and alive. The owner revealed that they were the only two left out of 40 chickens in a farm robbery. Very strange indeed.

Samroeng, the owner of the chicken farm, said that he had 40 chickens in total. One night he locked the farm house and went to sleep and discovered the next morning that almost all his chickens were robbed. Only two were left in the corner of the farm house: one was a black ten-toed chicken, another was the same breed but with white feathers and nine toes. He can’t understand why the robbers didn’t take these two chickens. Maybe because they have more toes; are genetically imperfect; or would be more difficult to sell or even eat themselves? Some sort of chicken discrimination was definitely involved.

Writer: Adrian Tse & Chet Chetchotisak

Explosion in Phone Booth

In Courtesy of Thairath

PATTAYA – A young brat dropped his own bomb – and not of the swearing kind – while he was in a public phone booth.

The booth’s glass shattered and the young brat was caught in the middle of the explosion. He gave the excuse to police that somebody threw a bomb at him. Police didn’t buy the story.

Civilians were stunned by the explosion that detonated inside the booth. Police arrived on the scene to find the 17-year-old lying severely injured and was sent to hospital.

Despite his defense that two unknown men stopped by on their motorbikes, police concluded that basically, the brat liked to carry around bombs for fun, and to threaten people with.

He went to a public phone booth and accidentally dropped a bomb inside, injuring himself. And doesn’t the photo look nice and set up?

Writer: Adrian Tse & Chet Chetchotisak

Right Out Of An 80’s Porn Film

Picture of the beach where the sex show occurred - Courtesy of Thairath

PATTAYA – Bemusement, curiosity, shock characterized a steamy Pattaya beach as crowds of locals and tourists drew together to witness two Russian couples get it on.

One couple stepped into the ocean and started fucking. No surprise, police officers chased them into the water and dragged them out by their nether regions.

All four Russians were in their swimsuits and appeared to be drunk. The girls were topless and the boys were bottomless – nipples and penises erect in the hot sun.

The four kissed and caressed each other in a sexual exposé set against the beautiful backdrop of Pattaya beach. Parents covered the eyes of their children.

As the show gained attention from hundreds of onlookers, one couple tip-toed into the water and started fucking; waves of water slapping between their bodies. Officers had a time hard getting through the crowd towards them. No surprise, the Russians had no idea why they were arrested.

Writer: Adrian Tse & Chet Chetchotisak

Waterfall Rape

In Courtesy of Thairath

CHONBURI – Police arrested an electrician for tricking two girls – a first grader and a kindergartener – to a waterfall and raping them. They were both victims of the electrician’s sudden sexual outburst under the waterfall.

On the day of the incident, the rapist drove a car to pick up the two little girls, telling them he would take them to a lovely waterfall nearby. The girls believed him because he had always visited them and bought lots of snacks and drinks.

As they arrived at the waterfall, the two little girls took off their clothes to play in the water. The scene lit up the electrician’s overwhelming lust. He chased after them under the waterfall, pinned them down, and began raping them aggressively. Such a scene.

Writer: Adrian Tse & Chet Chetchotisak

Practiced Robbery Ends Well

In Courtesy of Thairath

CHONBURI – Civilians in Chonburi panicked as four robbers barged into a gold jeweler in the middle of the city, taking a girl hostage - only no one knew it was part of a training scenario designed to test emergency services.

Police teams joined in for the practice to test out new strategies against gold store robberies. The police created a flawless scenario that seemed completely real; civilians were running everywhere in panic.

The four actors came on motorbikes pretending to be robbers, entered the gold store and stole 20 Baht of gold. After that the four men escaped through the Pattaya route road, where at the end of one Soi, police managed to take down two, while the other two escaped.

They were eventually cornered and took a young girl as hostage. The police began a dramatic negotiation with the fake culprit until he finally gave in. Of course he did!

The whole scenario took 29 minutes to complete.

The police and the four culprits finally walked off together, chatting and laughing.

This was the event of the day that left civilians in Chonburi in total shock and terror.

Writer: Adrian Tse & Chet Chetchotisak